Chapter One The Love Potion: Chemistryand Dependence On a recent TV talk show, the hostess asked about relationship addiction. She had heard the term a lot lately, she said, but was still puzzled. She asked, 'Just what is relationship addiction? What does it really look like? Is it like any other addiction?" Her guest replied, "Well, it can show up in any number of ways: as an obsession, for example -- a constant thinking, ruminating about the person you're in relationship with. Or there may be a compulsive quality about the behavior -- for instance, making frequent detours just to drive or walk by the partner's workplace. There may also be signs of tolerance increase. In the relationship addict's case, this translates into needing more and more of the other person's presence to feel OK. "There is a need to protect the supply, which shows up as an unreasonable degree of possessiveness or jealousy. And there may be symptoms of withdrawal. When the relationship addict is separated from the I source, ' he or she may become anxious and depressed." "Hmm...," mused the show's hostess with a frown. "Sounds to me like you're describing love!" Although we have been socialized to think of this obsession as love, in fact, the compelling allure of its spell has little to do with the depth and enduring quality of true caring. Addiction to another person is what "falling in love" feels like-it is the wild abandon of the enchanted forest. The crucial distinction between relationship addicts and other people who fall in love is that the former expect this fleeting phase of a relationship to become a utopian endless summer that sustains forever the poetry, the ecstasy, and the feelings ofmerger they experience in their infatuation. Not only have women been socialized to nurture and take care of men in relationship, but they-in particular-have believed the myth of romance. As women, we have accepted the notion that if only we find the right person, we'll fall in love and live happily every after-as fairy tales promise. Given this stage setting, it is not surprising that even women who are not relationship addicts show many signs of dependence. But obsessions, compulsions, and the temporary high of being "in love" are neither love nor proof of love; on the contrary, they are the signposts of falling in love-that tempting ecstatic feeling that can so easily lead to dependence and addiction. Maria At thirty-three, Maria has been a relationship addict most of her adult life. Wh