Lev Parikian is a writer and conductor based in London. He spends a lot of time standing in front of people waving his arms in the hope that sounds will materialise. He also spends a lot of time staring at a computer screen in the hope that words will materialise. He lives in London with his (redacted), (redacted), and three domesticated (and, rest assured, entirely neutralised) (redacted). He has never been to Uzbekistan. Barrington Orwell maintained an incomparable reputation in three-and-a-half decades of almost perpetual employment until his tragic death in an un- explained contrabassoon accident early in 2013.